Guess Who's Back?

Remember those dreams I had of an alcohol-free spring break?

What was I thinking?

Nightmares!!

As it happened, following my spring break was UIUC's spring break, which means the last two weeks have been consumed by booze and bad food.

Wait, the weeks weren't consumed. The booze and bad food were consumed.

By me.

I kept up with most of my workouts, but tonight I'm left feeling tired and toxic - and now the fun stops.

These past two weeks were a bit of a slap in the face for me - a reality check, if you will. The last time I quit smoking was so much easier than this go. It makes me angry I ever broke my clean streak. When I first quit, I was feeling pretty solid about things. I had just spent 4 weeks in Georgia, making my own friends and doing my own thing. I was on summer vacation and the work was light. I felt independent and secure. Maybe it was all of that, or maybe it was the trial session of hypnosis I attended, but quitting was pretty easy.

This time around I'm finding it incredibly difficult to stop smoking those damn cigarettes. So much has changed since last summer, and so much is uncertain in my future. The thought of never being able to smoke again makes me incredibly nervous. Change can make a girl feel real lonely. I long for my always dependable friend, the cancer stick.

But at the same time I'm getting really tired of feeling like crap. If it isn't smoking, it's drinking, and sometimes it's both. I've lost my once "charming" ability to balance drinking and regular-life. Instead of having fun on both accounts, I now stress and wonder about my regular-life, and drink to chill.

Christ, I'm starting to sound like I have a substance abuse problem.

But you know what college is like.

The good news is that I don't smoke like a I used to - I have occasional breakdowns that last from a night to a couple days. But these breakdowns and breaking me down. Every time I fall, I fall harder, and feel more guilty about it than the last time. Sometimes I get so sick of the cycle, I want to forget about it and smoke and not worry anymore.

Other times I get so sick of the cycle that I never want to pick up another cigarette ever again.

So I'm tired of wasting time. So many mornings I've woken up thinking, "Christ, if the apocalypse comes today, I'm not going to survive!" I want to get my balance back. And that starts with getting all the booze, nicotine, and preservatives out of my body that I've put into it these past two weeks. I must replace those things with water, raw food, good protein, and tea.

I was telling someone the other day that the reason attention whores are who they are, is that they never get the attention from who they need it most: themselves. (This comment actually came up in a discussion about masturbation, but it seems strangely appropriate here.) And since I am attention whore extraordanaire, I think I'm going to take my own advice for a change and give my body some much needed spooning.

More tomorrow in Day 1 of the "Week of Proverbial Spooning."

Posted by monica at March 28, 2004 09:31 PM