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November 26, 2003

Remembering Lubbock

i finally got my photos back from my trip to Lubbock, TX for the Red Raider Minisymposium. the images rekindled feelings that i thought i had forgotten along with they chay keizer model. but now it's clear that lubbock is in me, and it's not going anywhere without the assistance of an ancient indian burial ritual. so forgive me if i live in the past today. i know it's not like me. just remember...

it's not me...

it's lubbock.

i left for lubbock on a thursday afternoon. as the super shuttle pulled away from my driveway, Lia called and told me to "bring the warmest coat i had". but it was early, and i was feeling too groggy to make the driver go back, and besides, this is texas -- how cold could it possibly be? when i got off the plane and out of Lubbock Airport, the first thing i noticed was the arctic air feeling me up through my crappy old navy sweatshirt. something had to give. my first plan of action was to acquire something warm. a cowboy in my bed wearing nothing except his hat and a pair of spurs would have sufficed. but i knew that attempting that probably meant getting hung in the town square. so i headed "to town" in search of an extra shirt. the first thing i saw as i left the Days Inn was the "Stadium Inn" next door, situated across the street from the TTU stadium itself. what I want to know is: why didn't we stay there instead?

i can't say that i'll ever forgive pahdu for that one.

turns out that the only shops that sell clothes in lubbock only sell stuff that come embroidered with a hideous TTU logo. the upshot is that i finally figured out why the hell a math conference had "red raider" in its name. the bitch factor is that i now own a TTU hat and a long sleeved red TTU shirt.

the ultimate pimp slap came when i put on the shirt and found out that its sleeves were three-quarter as opposed to full sleeve.

but that had to happen i think.

things improved drastically when i caught up with lia and her friend, pam, from upenn. pam is a kindrid spirit, one who i feel i've known forever in the cosmic sense. you might call her: the shizzle. i go to these things to meet cool people, and to have my goals realized so quickly immediately justified my trip. as it would turn out, i would need the comic relief to get through what could have been a most painful weekend.

it was cold, you see. really cold. and then i got a cold. a snotty nasty mucous fest brewing relentlessly. and it was lubbock. the walk from the Days Inn to campus was mostly orange, grey, and miserable (see panorama above). and once i got to campus, it was more dull and lifeless than the dust expanse i had just travelled. i figured that was because school wasn't in session -- only it was in session. and such was life at Texas Tech University. pizza, school, and football games. even the homeless steared clear of this weary rural America town.

the case for "lubbock sucks" was won when i discovered that lubbock is in a dry county. fortunately, there was a math reception on the first night which served plenty of wine and food. i can now understand why we have such a problem with obesity in this country. if i was that bored all the time, i would probably eat myself to death (that is if i didn't drink myself to death first). although i wanted to mingle, i was feeling a little antisocial. so hid in the corner with a plate of hummus and grease and made fun of people with my new friends who failed to get a photo of this guy we saw/met who had really huge hands. in fact, i never got the full story about what happened with him and pam after lia and i left. if i'm ever in pennsylvania again, remind me to steal pam's diary.

speaking of math, i should probably mention something about the conference itself. the talks were decent, but sadly, all concerned topics in physiology modelling that i'm not really interested in. and there was very little math. i think all the speakers shared powerpoint slides because they all had the same graphs to represent their results. there was coffee and cookies in between talks. there wasn't enough good people watching, except for this one girl who had on a hideous sweatshirt that had a "top ten reasons to be a math major at ttu" list on the back. the only reason i remember is "to keep the eraser companies in business."

on the last night in lubbock we found a bar (apparently you can buy booze at bars, not at stores... cuz it's sooo much safer to drink at a bar and drive home than drink at home in the first place). here we finally hung out with some other math people. while that was nice, i should have stayed in. my nasty cold must have clogged my sense of reason because i made a complete ass of myself. i won't go into details ... i'd like to take this story to my grave. but all i know is that i will probably have to discontinue my studies in math biology just so i don't run into these people again.

lubbock was so bad that i left a day early and caught a standby flight home. i did bring home with me some fond memories along with some lubbock mud stuck in my shoes. the trip was awful but it makes me laugh. in fact, i laughed a whole lot in lubbock, inbetween visits with the snot rag. places like lubbock, well, you just have to laugh. cuz otherwise you end up like one of them.

you can see all of my inspirational photos from lubbock here.

November 25, 2003

evolution leaps forward

am i wierd because i think hugh jackman is only mega sexy as wolverine?

otherwise he's kind of a square...

so X2 is out on DVD. mutants galore. i really loved this flick, and the original X-men. i think i could really relate to the mutants, being a mutant myself. what's my power, you ask?

did somebody say...

boosh?

making amends (sort of)

alternate title: weekend in review, but frankly it's a bit of a blur.

it all started on friday night. there were enchiladas at Julio's: delicious. there was an exceedingly long trip to La Fresh in the spirit of ganja: it took nearly 30 minutes to pick up some brownie mix and water. then there was the party next door. the 3a.m. tubthumping. the angry techno. the hours awake. and then silence. and sleep. and an early morning. and fatigue.

i remember all my life.
raining down as cold as ice.
shadows of a man...
a face through a window...
crying in the night.

and night goes into morning

just another day.

another day.

no day but today.

saturday night was the annual thanksgiving party at b.g.'s. i managed to time it so i missed all the people eating standing up. it was pretty good but i was ready to pass out the whole time. and i hate pinatas. eventually things slowed down and we moved to the Hole In The Wall, an Austin original. the band was somewhat entertaining and i got to chat with the realtor. all in all: a typical night in the life of a math party. i got to hang out with some cool people who make me laugh and who i don't see nearly enough. beer, laughs, what more do you need?

apparently more Z's.

i had a 10am "appointment" on sunday that i was a bit sleepy for. but it went really well regardless and served as an excellent substitute for coffee.

tim and i have started "scheduling" acitivities so that we don't suck. seems that too many nights drown in the deluge of computer dorkness and food. so between coffees and sandwiches and beers, tim and i got "heaps" done this weekend, particularly on his house. i'm so happy about this because fixing up his house has been a chore long in the waiting. i mean, sure i love going to the hardware store, but i like making tim's house a home even more. what can i say? it's what i do.

and now, not much time before thanksgiving holiday. i'm hyped for good times and more scheduled tasks. i also hope i can get my ass in gear and get some much needed work done. lately i've been having a hard time focussing. perhaps i'm frustrated over my last exam. or perhaps i'm bored. this week i was panicking over nonsense, only to realize that there might be a god after all. it was strange ... i got to thinking about all my friends i lost over stupid drama (re my old website title: "your life has never been short on drama"). and then out of the blue, an old pal from MASS gets in touch with me with the sole purpose of dispelling any leftover drama from that crazy semester in "Happy" Valley. and then another message from a fellow MASSer. and then James. and then Dave L from Assram shows up in Austin. but it had to happen right?: just when i think i'm crazy, the fates step in to remind me that people are ok. time always does the talking, so it's alright to shut up once in a while. i love my friends. every last one of them.

last night tim bought me a couple $2.75 guinnesses at the Drafthouse. i hadn't been there for a while and it was nice to relax after a day of being a psycho. afterwards, he let me borrow his car so i could make a HEB run. after i dropped off the car i decided to walk back to my new place. i took my ipod and my hat and breathed some fresh air. "Call and Answer" was on as I walked by some stranger playing an acoustic guitar on his porch. cynically, when i see anyone playing a guitar in public, i figure that they're just fishing for attention from sappy girls. but my coat was warm and i was feeling nice, so i gave a smile as i walked by, and kept on smiling until i got home and fell asleep with my computer on my lap.

I think it's getting to the point
where I can be myself again
I think it's getting to the point
where we have almost made amends
I think it's the getting to the point
that is the hardest part

and if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think I only think about you
when we're both in the same room
You think I'm only here to witness
the remains of love exhumed
You think we're here to play
a game of who loves more than whom

and if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think it's only fair to do what's
best for you and you alone
You think it's only fair to do the same to me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is
more than only fair

so if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed-up things that you do
If you ever do,
I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back
here to rebuild
Rebulid...

November 21, 2003

counting numbered shaves

alice
i never thought i’d go
hairy
But I never thought you so
Until now that I shaved
All the knotted hairs you’re braiding
Why you wanna grow it out
And knot?

Counting numbered shaves

lately
I think you know it’s huge
That’s it
It’s all over the boosh
For a while we can trim
For the people that we’re conjugating
And even if they’re begging
We can lie

Counting numbered shaves

Looks like the boosh is a complete set
Know that there’s nothing I regret
All the hair that I pulled
Well, I’d like to think it was worth it
Even though it keeps growing back now.

Counting numbered shaves

counting numbered days

Daisy
I never thought I’d go
Crazy
But I never thought you so
Until now that I see
All the crazy things you’re doing
Why you wanna ruin it
And me?

Counting numbered days

Lately
I think you know it’s true
That’s it
It’s all over, I’m through
For a while we can smile
For the people that we’re passing
And even if they’re asking
We can lie

Counting numbered days

Looks like the sun is gonna set
Know that there’s nothing I regret
All the things that I learned
Well, I’d like to think I earned it
No need to go and burn it down now

Counting numbered days

November 19, 2003

guess who's back


from under the dark blue boosh hair, i rekindle my communication with the electron masses. it's been a bumpy ride back from six feet under. but i'm back, and i'm not going anywhere.

until perhaps
i'm sent to wonderland
on business.

i've moved out of my glorious 1 bedroom / 1 bath / 1 glorious deck / 1 wonderful big kitchen / 1 15 minute walk to campus / 1 bazillion square foot apartment to an only slightly cheaper garage apartment in hyde park.

but as sheri says: "it's monica-sized".

and i like it that way.

the place is up high in the trees. it has lots of windows and wood-panelled walls. when i wake up in the morning, all i see are trees and sun and wood and i feel like i'm in a treehouse.

it's a nice feeling.

like having someone else's hand in your back pocket.

or like having someone burn a CD for you called "monica's move-in special" and bringing it to you while you wait at home alone for the moving men to come rape you.

ginger was right: Outkast's new song "Hey ya" is phreakin' arseome..
i can't stop listening to it whilst shakin' my thing like you never did see..

My baby don't mess around
Because she loves me so
And this I know fo shooo..

and do you remember Duncan Sheik of "Barely Breathing" fame? well they actually having something with this "On A High" song. check it out. and don't be surprised when you can't control your pelvic thrusts.

cha cha cha

from the looking glass
with love

- monica

I'm on a high, I'm on a high
there's nothing more to it.
We are the sea and the sky
and the blue that runs through it, yeah.

and there are some who say there are so many things I need
so I run or I fight and I crawl or I scream and I bleed
I bleed, I bleed

well, it's a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness.

I'm on a high I'm on a high
and there's nothing more to it
I have the sun, it's a star
why should I refuse it

and there are so many reasons I could give you why I should be down
there's not enough money or time and my love you're not around
around, around

but it's a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness.

you're alive you're alive - how else could you hear me?
you are fine, you are fine - there's nothing worth fearing
'cause there never will be no conspiracy of happiness

I'm on a high, on a high
we are the sea and the sky
I'm on a high, on a high
I'm on a high

It's a lie, It's a lie don't you believe it
'Cause I've tried and I've tried, and I can't really see it
Yeah, I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
said I was yours, you were mine but I didn't really mean it
and I lied and I lied
and I wish you hadn't seen it
'cause I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
I'm on a high, on a high, there's nothing more to it, yeah.

November 11, 2003

babylon

i'm one of those cheesy poofs who get insanely affected by songs.

"oh my god, this is so my life."

when i walk home from school, i try to carry my eye-pod, and spend half the walk sifting through songs to find the one that captures the moment, the words,the mood, the feeling, the fervor

the touch
the feel
of my well oiled boosh

today it was David Gray's Babylon II. even though it's not friday night.

Friday night I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon

Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I'm feeling so alone
I can't believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me


If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon, Babylon

November 10, 2003

back in austin, but lubbock stole my soul

lack of updates means i've been unreasonably busy lately. the wrath of lubbock lives on, but i've been dispelling of it slowly in the form of mucus. the cold cleared up fast once i got back -- seems i'm just allergic to lubbock. but there's still dust on my shoes and and a roll of undeveloped film to reckon with.

lubbock says: "it's not over yet".

i've been trying to catch up with school but this move has me quite distracted. i have barely packed. but the homework's due on thurs... but the packing... but the homework... i'm running around in circles.

jason and i used to find ourselves pulling many late nights due to our mutual agreement that it's better to stay up a little late and have some quality time with friends than be responsible and skip out on those precious moments we two can share. regarding late night panic sessions to finish up work, we always said: "it all gets done."

and we've never been wrong.

so i have faith in that religion, and tomorrow night i shall be sharing some of said moments with my pal, jiggy dave: one last stand before he moves to boston.

so many changes... so when will the season change and settle on crisp, cozy-coat worthy weather?

of note: last sunday was my last chance to see the andy warhol exhibit at the austin museum of art. one of the first prints on display was an edition of the above image. they also had some great pieces from andy warhol's sunset series, as well as the famous Campbell soup cans. it was my first time at the museum, and it was quite small -- i think the exhibit was the only thing on display. nevertheless, it was pretty cool and i'm glad i went.

I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me. My love's not impersonal yet not wholly subjective either. I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person. But I am not omniscient. I have to live my life, and it is the only one I'll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time ..

November 07, 2003

from lubbock with love

it's been an eventful two days here at the math-bio minsymposium at texas tech university in arctic lubbock, tx. it's been so busy, in fact, that i've only now just had a chance to nestle myself into a computer terminal in the Texas Tech University Library and update my blog.

i guess i haven't been so much busy as i have been deprived of internet access. for a so-called "tech" school, TTU seems to be lacking in the wifi front. i'm not surprised, looking around i see nothing but flat orange with the occasional academic building, pizza place, or student. when i first got here i thought, "hmm, i guess school isn't in session", because it felt so dead.

but school was in session. that's the way it is, celine.

you're wondering where the required photos are. well, in my rush to get ready on thurs morning (the result of staying up way too late drinking Tito's vodka -- thanks marcella), i forgot my camera battery. however, i've been taking snapshots with a disposable camera, which somehow seems appropriate for lubbock. a photo essay will follow in about a week.

until then, some points of note, in the key of lubbock:



  • i left with a bag of t-shirts and a hoodie -- the weather's been rainy and in the 40s since i got here.
  • was forced to acquire a long sleeve ttu t-shirt and a winter hat that says "texas tech red raiders" in order to compensate for said weather
  • just realized why the minisymposium has the phrase "red raider" in it
  • i acquired a cold on my first day -- snot, sore throat, the whole shebang.
  • got drunk on chardonnay the first night at a fancy math party at the math dept. head's illustrious lubbock mansion.
  • due to weather and cold, there will be no palo duro canyon hike for moni-b-b-b-bear
  • due to no palo duro canyon, moni will try to fly home sat. instead of sun.
  • looking forward to being home
  • since i've been in lubbock, the spammers found me and attacked my blog comments with viagra spam. this physics prof at ut has a fix for the problem.
  • i scored a tote bag!!!!!!!!!

November 04, 2003

happiness

happiness is getting to school early enough to get a coffee before my first class.

happiness is getting coffee that actually tastes good.

happiness is having a fully supported, legally obtained copy of Mathematica 5 on my iBook.

happiness is knowing my sista stephanie has finally joined the OS "EX" revolution ... she just ugraded to OS 10.3 from OS 9 (gasp!). she says it's "like having a whole new computer" -- i give her a year before she's as obsessed as i am. steph's already down with the "cute" aspect of mac os x, as she downloaded iChatStatus immediately after installation. just wait... soon she'll be asking to borrow "Learning Carbon", after which she will become a mad leet hax0r..... fjear.

happiness is having bids on all of my ebay auctions! ebay is freakin' awesome.

November 03, 2003

less fluff, more omelette

last night i had the best dream: my teaching assignment for next year was to teach a class on omelette making.

how cool would it be to actually go to a school that offered classes like omelette making?

coffee's bad this morning. but i told myself that i'm not gonna whine today. even though a bug flew into my helmet this morning.

remind me not to install panther with my firewire drive plugged in. apparently the panther installer is wiping out firewire drives that are connected during the installation. apple has acknowledged the problem and promises a fix. fjear!

it's break time in my bio class and due to my nasty undrinkable coffee (bitch gave me half and half when i asked for 2%) i am barely able to keep my eyes open. i just took a stroll down the hall to revive myself, and if the walk didn't do it, then the stink of formaldehyde definitely woke me up. wierd high school deja vu.

the nytimes has a brief cosmology article about the anthropic principle. fjear again. could it be possible that Tipler had a point?

tell me on a sunday

it is an occasionally publicized secret that i am a huge andrew lloyd webber fan. a song from one of his short-lived musicals, "Tell Me On A Sunday", is all about some guy's desire for his lover to let him down easy when she leaves him. it's a hopelessly melodramatic song which is hilarious because it's all about not being melodramatic when you dump someone's ass.

i absolutely adore it.

so i've been trying to get my shit together for the move and i can't get this song out of my head. i guess i just feel like i was "dear john"ed by my landlord. he should have invited me to his deck for some wine and cheese. we would have talked about how great the house is, and then he'd break the news. but there would be wine and cheese so it'd be ok.

you dig?

one thing i like about moving is the forced organization/minimization aspect. i've been trying to sell and ebay a bunch of my crap... and ebay's always fun.

big accomplishment of the day: fixed the motor on my disco ball. i'm vaguely tempted to have either a going away party for the apartment, or a housewarming at the new place. can't decide which. can't decide if i want to. can't decide if i can afford it.

can't decide which merkin to wear tomorrow.

help?

Don't write a letter when you want to leave
Don't call me at 3 a.m. from a friend's apartment
I'd like to choose how I hear the news
Take me to a park that's covered with trees
Tell me on a Sunday please

Let me down easy
No big song and dance
No long faces, no long looks
No deep conversation
I know the way we should spend that day
Take me to a zoo that's got chimpanzees
Tell me on a Sunday please

Don't want to know who's to blame
It won't help knowing
Don't want to fight day and night
Bad enough you're going

Don't leave in silence with no word at all
Don't get drunk and slam the door
That's no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye
Find a circus ring with a flying trapeze
Tell me on a Sunday please


Don't want to fight day and night
Bad enough you're going
Don't leave in silence with no word at all
Don't get drunk and slam the door
That's no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye

Don't run off in the pouring rain
Don't call me as they call your plane
Take the hurt out of all the pain
Take me to a park that's covered with trees
Tell me on a Sunday please

November 02, 2003

it's hard for me to say i'm sorry

another halloween has come and gone, and i've escaped another year without dressing up as brittany spears or an oompa loompa.

that's right: i didn't dress up as anything for halloween. but i did attend a halloween party where i overindulged in alcohol, drugs, rock and roll, and social graces. kate threw a dynamo party while i threw a dynamo tool bomb when i became intoxicated to the point of douche-ness.

but what could i do?
i wasn't feel so....

fresh.

yeah, i had a lot of fun. it was a good long night of drinking: something.. dare i say .... i needed? i must have because i was extremely ecstatic the whole time. unfortunately i didn't escape without screwing up. . . which kind of makes me wish i had never gone at all.

people wonder why i never go out anymore.

i can't seem to get it right and i hate feeling like a boob... i mean, what's all this going out and having fun worth? people talk to me at parties but look past me at school. other people make me laugh and feel good and warm and mooshy but when my laughter trails off i'm left sad and confused and wondering where it all went wrong.

i guess what it all means is that i'm a bit of a nut job. but this is what i was meant to be ... so take me for what i am or leave me.

after the party i managed to find my way home... and into my bed. i even managed to change out of my stinky clothes. and when i woke up the next morning, there was somebody next to me keeping me warm.

so i got up and made us breakfast -- tea, toast, scrambled eggs, facon, and some morning relief drugs for me.

and i thought to myself

"maybe i'm not all bad."

"Everybody needs a little time away," I heard her say, "from each other."
"Even lover's need a holiday far away from each other."
Hold me now. It's hard for me to say I'm sorry. I just want you to stay.

After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me I can't let go.

Couldn't stand to be kept away just for the day from your body.
Wouldn't wanna be swept away, far away from the one that I love.
Hold me now. It's hard for me to say I'm sorry. I just want you to know.
Hold me now. I really want to tell you I'm sorry. I could never let you go.

After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me I can't let go.

After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.

You're gonna be the lucky one.

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