I just finished a 2-day workshop on “Assertiveness and Self-Confidence Development”. It sounds cheezy, but the course was actually pretty fun and quite interesting. I just did a brain dump of some things that stuck with me, and am publishing it here for all the world to see.
Warning - stream of consciousness ahead:
Assertiveness is Cyclical: Assertiveness -> Getting what you want -> High Self Esteem -> Feeling Confident -> Assertiveness…
The goal of assertiveness boils down to getting what you want. So in its purest form, assertiveness is cold and calculating. But in reality, emotion means we have to make compromises.
Enter Transactional analysis, the idea that behavior is divided into three states: parent (critical or nurturing), adult (rational, logical, assertive), and child (free or adaptive). These states either cross or compliment each other. If we treat human interaction as a transaction between these ego states, the goal of assertiveness is to achieve an adult-adult transaction. When someone is not being an adult, we can respond with a complimentary ego state, then translate that state into adult. Sounds complex when phrased like this. Here’s an example:
My boss comes up to me and yells “Monica, this proposal you wrote is rubbish. Your laziness could cost us the client!” My boss is being a critical parent. The complementary ego state is “adaptive child.” So instead of being assertive right away, start off as an adaptive child and translate that state into “adult” before the boss has a chance to take over the conversation: “I’m really very sorry Mr. Boss; I really tried to write a winning proposal, but you’re right, I could have done better. Let’s discuss where I went wrong and I’ll revise it this afternoon.”
Be a child. Be an adult. Offer a solution.
That brings me to a few important qualities about assertiveness: honesty, confidence, offering a potential solution in a conflict, …
We talked a little bit about NLP (triggers and anchoring). Arose from hypnosis. Difference between NLP and hypnotism: hypnotism by-passes the conscious mind to tap into the subconscious. NLP uses consciousness through triggers and anchoring to tap the subconscious? I dunno. Basically: program your mind to do what you want it to do.
Talked about NLP with a participant during the tea break: he runs marathons and plays tennis and has read a couple books on NLP in the context of tennis and golf. It’s all about putting yourself in the right mind space so that you’re unaffected by external pressures. One thing he said about NLP that stuck with me: “Eliminate excuses.” So if you’ve got a golf tournament, eliminate all possibility of stress caused by YOU (get enough sleep, have equipment ready, eat a good breakfast, train for it). Talked a bit about marathons. He stressed the important of being physically prepared so as to eliminate that worry. Interesting point, I thought.
So all this stuff is really more important to personal LIFE satisfaction than job satisfaction (we’re lucky if the two coincide). But most jobs are task-driven, and so we’re motivated by a deadline or a to-do list, but not any personal investment. With running or sports, there’s a greater personal investment. In fact, the primary pressure is ourselves, which is more powerful than any other kind of pressure.
Some suggestions I found especially helpful:
Mix with assertive people
Visualize success
Put consequences of assertiveness in proportion (what is the worse that could happen if I’m assertive?)
Have a positive inner dialogue (affirmations)
Keep a record of achievement
All this stuff sounds very self helpy and gross but I do believe they have the power to be very effective. Trouble is, most of us are too shy/lazy/reluctant/forgetful/cycnical to actually try.
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