This week feels like a good week to riddle my subjects with references to cheesy yet catchy love songs from the 80’s and 90’s. What can I say, I’m feeling sappy? Heart strings: feel the burn.
Maybe I’m feeling so sentimental because I sold my Vino last week. Two years of beloved 49cc scooting boiled down to 10 benjamins in my bank account. Through the rain and across the pavement, the Vino and I had something special. Strange to be without it now, not like I can’t stand to use my bike a little more.
I have this stupid necessity to attach “greater meaning” to everything and anyone. For the most part, it’s great, but sometimes it’s annoying. Like when I sell a scooter, or when I hurt a friend. I feel this need to do something about it, when most of the time I should just let it go. Drama: it just is. Am I emotionally immature if that realization was inspired by an episode of Six Feet Under?
I think this next bit is going to be kind of annoying…
I was in the shower this morning thinking about the things I’m going to do in London, and I realized that I have some goals. This came as a bit of a surprise, because I haven’t had goals in a while. I mean, grad school was all about the far flung goal of earning a PhD in mathematics. That goal quickly dissolved into childish disillusion when I realized I lost most of my desire to do real research. Oops. Sorry, I can’t help it - it got boring. I guess when you get out of the house enough you realize that life on the outside is a lot more interesting. At least for me. I just don’t see getting a paper published as “making a mark”. I want to bring more to the table.
(Do you like how I’m continuously inventing new excuses for dropping out of grad school? Yeah, I guess it’s obvious I’m still uncomfortable about the whole thing, feeling a little disappointment, even though I know deep down I did the right thing.)
Getting the hell out of CAM has forced me to make some decisions about the hell to do with my life. I was really worried about it, but I think I’m going to try doing shit I actually want to do, rather than using the M.S. just because I have it. So I found these goals, just randomly in the middle of the shower. I guess they were there all the time but I didn’t recognize them as such.
So here’s some shit I want to do…
Obtain the legal right to work in the UK
Get a job that makes me some money and isn’t too terribly hard
Use that money to support me as I start a business (that story’s for another time)
Become certified as a personal trainer
Make the business profitable so I can quit working for any boss besides myself
Do you think I can do all that in the next 3 years? That’s what I’m hoping.
Oh I also want to become un-fat and do a pull up. And camp. But that really has nothing to do with my livelihood, which is more pertinent at the moment - where the hell did this adulthood thing come from? I am not mentally prepared for a career, but alas, I guess I’ll have to act the part. ‘Cos I’m not financially prepared to pay off my student loan.
It feels like the opposite of standing in a timeless dream of light mists of pale amber rose.
If the Boca Burger could speak, it would say to the Clausen Kosher Dill Sandwich Slice Pickle: “You complete me.”
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