a beloved friend of mine once told me “It’s all about the zen…’when the student is ready, the master will appear.’ i would tell you what it meant, but that would mean that i was trying to understand what it meant, and that is not the way to enlightenment. by trying to understand, one makes understanding impossible. that or i just don’t know.”
i don’t know either, but i wish i had listened more closely… because i’m only barely starting to get what he was talking about in that i feel completely and utterly not in tune with this so-called zen. in this very simplistic case, i feel like i haven’t been feeling the writing zen as of late. but it’s not just writing, as that’s just my confused manifestation of electrons. no, this weekend i can’t quite get into the zone with anything, be it food or play or exercise. i have an anxiety in the pit of my stomach that permeates up through my throat, causing me to choke on my words and my St. Pauli Girl. and when it happens, i am immediately reminded of my friend’s words and think “i gotta get me some zen.” it’s getting me down. you know how it is: sometimes i want so hard for something to happen. and i believe it’s right in the very depth of my soul. when it doesn’t work out, i’m confused and sad. and then i get angry with myself for believing in faith when i don’t really believe in god.
i get entirely too introspective when i don’t have a regular job or something definitely good on the horizon.
so i’m trying to find my zen, or at least become ready for it to appear. will the master be in the form of a hairy scary boosh? or the evil dirty laundry monster? (if you haven’t heard, the “dirty laundry monster” is my latest idea for a halloween costume … think about it, everyone gets scared in the face of dirty gym socks and used underwear … fuck elvira and princess leia and catholic school girls, halloween is about FEAR.)
what was i saying? right, zen. in light of recent stress, in about one hour i will celebrate 1 week without cigarettes. i’ve come close to failing, but stayed strong, which is more than i can say for past quitting attempts. how will i celebrate? well, i’ll probably just go to sleep. i should be punished for ever starting to smoke, rather than lauded for having quit.
right, my weekend in a nutshell: for all my whining about zen or lack thereof, it’s been a very full weekend. friday i tooled around with ginger for a bit before heading home to watch Sports Night and get an early sleep. i woke up at 7am on saturday to go garage sale shopping with one of the math flunkies. it was extremely fun. getting up early is soooo good during austin summers. it’s cool outside until about 10am. and it was really fun driving around austin, hanging out outside, looking at people’s junk, talking about people’s junk, and meeting the interesting people who were selling the junk. the math flunkie also purchased a 7up for us to share, which came in a glass bottle imported from Mexico, made with sugar instead of corn syrup. it was the best pop i’ve ever had. i was raised on Diet Rite, so never really had a taste for full-syrupped soda. but this 7up was something special.
a funny thing happened: driving around we spotted a yard sale sign and i recognized the address. the address was next door to the one i used to live at on Harris Park. immediately i realized it was tracey’s as she was also shipping off and out from UT, so i stopped by to say hello before moving on. when flunkie and i were done, tim and i went back to tracey’s to visit with her and jesse and enjoy a few last moments with our old neighbors. tracey is moving back to New Orleans. this is exciting because NOLA is one of my favorite places and now i have an excuse to visit before i ship off. i also scored some eats from her fridge and a pair of Solomon shoes.
another point of note: cowboy hats make summer life in austin infinitely more tolerable. although i never considered such a hat to be my style, after a particularly hot weekend while my mom was in town, i decided to defy my own personal laws of fashion and go for comfort instead. it’s taking a while, but by the end of the summer i think the cowboy hat will be fully integrated into my personal repertoire. i am more comfortable, cooler, and generally happier. and i think the Brits will love it. (hah)
after hanging with tracey for a long time, i headed to Opal Divines. they have the best fries in austin, by the way. later i rode my bike to the gym. the bike ride to and from the gym was nice, but the workout at the gym was sub-par. saturday was graduation day, and seeing all the professors in their robes got me a little hot and bothered. i couldn’t really focus at the gym. no one was there, which sounds nice, but really i felt too exposed. i left after about 35 minutes, biked home, and lifted weights while i watched Jurassic Park on network TV. I don’t care what you say, Jurassic Park is a great action flick, and its soundtrack moves me to tears!
Sunday, fairly uninspiring but positive in terms of planning. Woke up, enjoyed some 100% whole wheat toast courtesy of the bread machine. Kinda sorta watched some political round tables on pbs. Cleaned out my office at ACES. Was touched by office-mate Paul’s farewell; he’s a really good guy. Had a conversation. Figure out some zen. Had some pizza at the Parlor. Drank some beer. Came home. Drank some more beer. And did not smoke! And only missed smoking about once! I felt so good and relaxed that I’m having a St. Pauli Girl as I type. So forgive me if I’m not entirely sensical. I’m a little tipsy!!!
As for zen, well, I’m a little behind but slowly catching up to my friend. Damn those people who get it right before I do. Tomorrow I’ll wake up and eat breakfast and look for jobs and ride my bike and feel a tiny bit enlightened. But I’ll try not to think about it too much. I should just enjoy the ride, ‘cos if there’s anything deeper there, my feeble mind will never understand it. Just like the way my feeble mind has poorly articulated the correlation between the zen speak and my weekend. Aargh, I think too much!
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