I enjoy long walks on the beach, coding by candle light, and spending countless hours trying to understand my inner nerd.
the above is an excerpt from one of the responses i received to my “study group wanted” post on the cs315 (algorithms & data shavers) newsgroup. (we’re required to form study groups of six, otherwise i’d stick to my usual antisocial classroom tactics.) this experience is bringing me back to acm at uiuc. aside from programming computers, there is a juvenile yet clever sense of humor that unites many men plagued with both social ineptitude and a propensity for machines. i, too, was once naive and took these specimens at face value: individuals who, oh, may not have the best sense of fashion in the world, but share some common interests with me so may be worth talking to.
by the end of my freshman year in college, i couldn’t avoid the acm enough. it ruined me. if a guy tells me he’s in “computer science” or “electrical engineering”, i feel my legs brace for flight. conversation is useless, because they’re probably imagining me with my top off. or they’re thinking…
“at last a chance to lose my virginity!
let’s not pass this up!!!“
have i become too cynical or overly self-diluted? why did i choke up with anxiety when i noticed i’m one of only 2 white females in a cs class of over 100? i fear issues. i fear drama. i fear awkardness. even though i’m all “grown up”, can i count on the same in these people? maybe my experience was strictly a condition isolated to geeks residing in illinois between the years 1998 and 2002. am i losing my cool?
fuck - maybe i’m a geek, too??
i just hope that in the last few years i’ve learned a thing or two about enforcing my drama shields against NMD (nerds of mass destruction). let’s face it, i may study math and play with computers, but i also have styley glasses, a passport, a guy with an accent, an omega juicer, and over 300 instances of nookie under my belt. i’m above all this. in fact i should forget about geeks, delete this, and get on with tabulating more boom-boom.
christ - maybe it’s true that the things we hate in others are the same things we hate in ourselves?
i just want to learn java and go home.
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