i go to school
i write exams
if i pass if i fail if i drop out
does anyone give a damn?
these past few weeks i’ve been thinking a lot about what a mess my life is here in eutopian austin. school doesn’t thrill me. my relationships are complicated. and i’m smoking too much. i’ve been meaning to update my resume for a while and i wonder if now is not the perfect time to get on top of that. is it a weak person who constantly uproots herself from life to move somewhere new and “start over” as it were? i’ve been doing that since i left home, and i’ve never looked back… until lately.
my fine feathered friends, i adore austin. mommy don’t make me leave. the music, the booze, the enchiladas — it’s like a power-screw in city form. baby, i’m trying to be strong.
i’m afraid that i’ll leave and go through this all over again. is it healthy to mask fear with illogical optimism? sometimes i think there’s something worth staying for. then i think — maybe there are some things that break that aren’t meant to be fixed. then i think — i’m disaster, and i better stay put in case i bring terror to yet another unsuspecting town. (in a loud menacing voice) i am a DOUCHE.
or maybe i’m just wrapped up like a douche, another runner in the night.
or mybe i’m about to get my period and this is all just stupid female hogwash fueled by hormones rather than rationality. oh how i adore being reminded that i’m a woman.
good night, love birds. i’ll be thinking of you while i’m spooning my pillow.
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