spacekadet blog

today is a great day to spend in your pajamas. it is also a great day to spend in my pajamas.

weekend goodies all around. parker’s party last friday. no poolside people watching, but there was a keg of real ale pale ale. i suck at beer pong, but my ability to escape downing cups of warm beer-pong beer is impecable. i am a music snob. and i met my cosmic friend.

saturday wasn’t a day at all, as i woke up at 2pm and didn’t really mentally arise until about 9pm. but i had a really chill evening at nasty’s with ginger and tim. it was nice, and i didn’t get drunk at all.

it didn’t even compare to sunday, however. i had my first breakfast tacos ever — egg, potato, and tomato — at Red River Cafe. i can see why the breakfast taco is such a phenomenon — they’re quite tasty, really salty, a little spicey, but most of all filling. flour tortillas are a little much for me. add potato and i essentially feel like i don’t have to eat for the rest of the day. this sucks, because i like to eat as often and as much as possible. i don’t know if i’ll go back to the breakfast taco, but perhaps other vendors do better.

discovered vegetarian tamales at HEB today. score and a half.

tonight i did some grilling and drank a lot of white wine and corona light. today is the first day since i’ve quit smoking that i’ve craved cigarettes to the point where i almost went out and bought some. it really sucked, and i was probably in a poopy mood for which i apologize to anyone who had to deal with me. i wish i could say that “i’m me and i’m loving it”. but today i feel like a douche-nozzle. the only thing that keeps me sane is a constant influx of new music. today brought the resurrection of the pet shop boys.

what have i done to deserve this?

i’m not lamenting here. i have a beautiful apartment, a full tummy, and a comfy warm hoody. sometimes i feel so unworthy.

but mostly i feel like eating enchiladas and giving beejays. and by beejays, i mean chiabatta dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegarette.

i bet back home they think i’ve lost my mind.

none of this means a goddam thing…

however!

last night i had a relatively strange experience. my attempt to have “a beer” before bedtime turned into a night all of its own. if you know me at all, you know i hate the posse. however, nothing can compare to the vehemence i felt last night.

i arrive at the posse, and it turns out it’s sing-a-long night amongs the UT band.

whatever.

i immediately take post inside with my plastic cup of Killians (thank you, joel) when all of the sudden my knight in shining armour appears. it was a short lived relief however, because soon enough i found myself outside near these wierdo singing people. it just didn’t feel right: school spirit. but i picked out a table of people who were as distant from this bullshit as i was, and there i took my stand. i met someone, with whom we had agreed we would “cosmically” make wonderful friends but terrible lovers. and yet, equally amusing was when i found his hand on my leg later that night.

so i ran home.

and ate a plate full of curry.

and thought about the people i love.

while i spooned my pillow.

last tuesday i saw a hypnotherapist. the goal: to quit smoking. i’ve made several half-assed attempts to quit rather recently, all of them failing because of the simple fact that i like smoking. sitting here typing this, i can’t help but feel how much more pleasant this would be if i were sitting on my porch, getting some fresh air, and intermittently, getting some not so fresh air.

why is that?

along with summer’s debauchery came far too many cigarettes in the early to late evenings. this often left me feeling like absolute shite in the morning with little motivation to attend to my usual gym routine (and, hence, little ability to fit into last year’s jeans). out of shere impulse, i made a hypnotherapy appointment with some guy whose name i found on the internet. this drastic move had disaster written all over it. my friends and associates say i must feel that i want to quit versus need to quit as i feel right now. health, life span, ability to make it up a flight of stairs without weezing, ability to hump for hours in the bedroom — these are all good things. sadly, the fact that i enjoy smoking makes me a candidate for failure. after all, what would i do with myself while waiting to meet someone at a bar? and what excuse would i find to spend time on my porch aside from my wilting basil?

back to the point — days before my hypnotherapy session, i went to town on the smoking. i enjoyed myself, smoked without guilt, it was great. forty minutes before my appointment, smoking a final cigarette, i felt a little sad.

could it be the end of an era?

the appointment was held at the hypnoTHERAPIST’s home. i sat in an easy chair and the hypnoshrink went to town. apparently i was on the low end of hypnotizeability, so he catered the session to my lack of suggestibility. i talked a little bit about why i wanted to quit smoking. we discussed the reasons why i smoked, and i made sure to mention that i had an appetite for alcohol and i’d like to retain that. soon enough, i reclined the chair, closed my eyes, and the hypnoshrink guided me through a variety of breathing exercises. this was good: not only did it relax me, but it also gave me an acute sense of how diminished my lung capacity had become. following the breathing came about 40 minutes worth of “guided visualization”. i tried really hard to focus on the guy, but my mind occasionally wandered, sometimes to productive topics like things i would like to do instead of smoking, but sometimes to not so productive topics, like tim’s “deeper, deeper, deeper…” shpeal. throughout the session, i kept thinking that it wasn’t working and that i was screwed. i also had to pee which didn’t help. still, i made a bonafide effort to stay relaxed and focussed. when i got the cue to “open my eyes”, i made a beeline for the bathroom and then booked.

on the drive back, i was feeling a little scepticle, but i wasn’t craving a cigarette. i felt like i hadn’t been hypnotized at all. i mean, sure it was nice to relax, but i could have saved myself the 90 bucks and relaxed on my own time in the comfort of my own bed. still, i was having some trouble recalling the entire session. this i attributed to my notoriously bad memory. i did recall one point in which the hypnoshrink discussed how i would feel as a nonsmoker, and i remember feeling like i was going to laugh, but not out of amusement. i think the idea of feeling unpolluted overjoyed me. so, i kept this memory with me and set out to avoid cigarettes.

the first 24 hours following hypnotherapy, the only thing keeping me from smoking was the fact that i’d paid 90 bux to “get cured” and i wasn’t about to waste that. now i’m going on 60 hours without a cigarette. it doesn’t sound like much, but it’s longer than i’ve gone without a smoke in some time. and it’s weird — after the 24 hour burn-in period, not smoking became a helluvalot easier. granted, i would love to have a cigarette at the moment, but i’m not over-ridden with anxiety because i can’t have one. this has kept me from walking down the block for a pack, or bumming one from a stranger who doesn’t know that i’ve quit. and maybe that’s enough. it’s amazing that i can, almost casually, shrug off the occasional cravings i have throughout the day. so maybe there’s something to be said for hypnotherapy. it’s definitely not an instant solution, but i definitely feel more aware of just how disgusting smoking is. even after 60 hours of not smoking, i’m starting to notice how my breathing is improving as i work out; it’s almost painful. i’m starting to notice that my breath is changing, and it tastes bad. maybe hypnotherapy isn’t everything — maybe all it took was 40 minutes of self reflection to realize that i wanted to feel clean.

expect my feelings on this matter to evolve over the next few weeks — especially if i start smoking again, when all i’ll be feeling is like a boob.

it’s come down to two days before classes start. i’ve made a fairly major step in welcoming the new semester: i’ve registered for classes. next semester i will be taking “recent advances in computational biology”, “stochastic processes and applications”, and a math bio seminar. i also plan on forgoing the research thing until i scope out potential research opportunities in the bio department.

of course, what i really mean by “forgoing the researching thing” is that i have no idea where i want to be in my life at the moment and i don’t want to get stuck into a project i’m going to abandon in a year. getting a job is fairly tempting. more tempting than a job is the simple idea of taking a break from school.

in preparation for the coming school year and all of its trials and tribulations, i’ve decided to have as much fun as possible in these waning days of freedom. last friday was the math reception where i met some new ticam students who are a welcome change from the usual crew i’ve been working with on 3 ACES. i had them over for a bbq on my porch with sheri and ginger. it was a food bonanza, and a ton of fun — grilled sliced sweet potato: to die for. the six of us took my full tummy to alan and mike’s postlim party. one again, i rocked dj. and once again, i stayed up way past my bedtime. i counted 4 “haven’t i seen you somewhere before?” type comments. i swear to god i have a doppleganger. strangely enough, one person was apparently not full of shit — i actually ran into him the next day near the parlor. i have to be careful about telling people “we’ll meet again”: sometimes it apparently comes true. it was a good party, even though i failed to get drunk, even after a desparate 4am attempt — p.s., skyy vodka & lime juice makes a great shot!

someday i’ll grow up.

saturday was eventless: recovery from sleep depravation, food, sex and the city.

i had a great sunday. tim finally bought a tv stand and i helped him put it together. we went to central market where i scored some schneider honey mustard pretzel bits — they are freakin awesome. since we were in the neighborhood, we stopped by the draughthouse for beers. get this: schneider weiss was $1.75! what a surprising treat.

following the draughthouse was a display of severe lack of self control. we barbequed about everything in site and ate it all while we watched bottle rocket. i don’t really remember much beyond that because my brain was too busy sending digestion signals to my stomach instead of my conscious self.

anyway, tomorrow at noon i have an appointment with a hypnoshrink. hopefully soon after i will be a non-smoker. stay tuned.

no really — why?